Driving home today, I made my way off of the highway onto the large boulevard that leads north towards my house. Neatly swept into a pile on the side of the road was bits of broken glass. I'd never seen an organized mound of what certainly was the result of an accident. It looked like a signpost: "Accident here." I sometimes wonder if I have a dark magnet within me that attracts gloomy analogies out of ordinary things, but I couldn't help but think, "That's me. There was an accident here, a trauma, a 'bad thing' and I've been swept up into a tidy pile, but I'm still a pile of broken pieces." I chided myself for this morose thought, but it felt true. It is where I am. I'm looking pretty organized, functioning pretty well, but in pieces, nonetheless.
I was reading a book entitled To Live Again: Rebuilding Your Life After You've Become a Widow (isn't that a beguiling title, just pulling you in?!) The author validated this feeling of loss of identity and the struggle of finding out who you are without partner. I wonder what I will become?
Funny you should say that about being drawn to the gloomy - I have been that way since I have been a little girl - I always notice the sad part about anything and everything - I prefer to call it a "spirit of compassion" - I can remember feeling broken in pieces after my first divorce - my whole life and sense of self was gone and I had to totally reinvent who I was without much success for many years until Brad came along and helped the process - I fear it would happen again if I lost him so am very much in tune with what you are saying -
ReplyDeleteNo one in my immediate family has battled cancer but i learned to hate it passionately following your blogs on the caring bridge site - I now have a renewed hate for it following Lori's mom's ordeal who does not have a good prognosis - is there no mercy?
kara -
ReplyDeletegreat analogy....broken but still looking whole. So many walking wounded was what I was thinking. We heal by sharing our stories and that way we know our insides and our outsides. May your insides start to mend together so that they match your outsides. You are loved.
Kara,
ReplyDeleteWhere are you?